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Tartarus - (formerly NewCa)

Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:23 am

this is the ending chapter to part one, from this point onward, im only giving glimpses... (i dont want to give the story away... you understand right? i probably said too much already)

Spoiler: show
A code of honour
The next morning we were sitting in the dining hall, Valkyrie-Luna looking warily at Black.
“Hey, Luna, what’s up?”
Like I couldn’t guess.
“How is he sitting there so calmly? We cocooned him last night.”
We did, it was rather funny, sixteen layers of Arachne webbing around Black. He was still unwinding it from his waist. I could see why Luna was cautious, Black was eating calmly while slowly untangling himself, I should probably placate her… ha, placate, what a lovely word.
“Don’t worry about it, he did something to you, so you did something to him, and all is forgiven.”
“Just like that?”
“Yeah, Black isn’t just an elf, he’s a devout one.”
“It isn’t a religion Akira.” Black chimed in from across the hall.
“Close enough.”
“No, religion is for fools who believes in a higher power.”
“Hey, I’m Christian! Wait, am I Christian? Akira? You think demons can be Christians?”
“I don’t know… probably.”
“Probably?”
“You should ask Black… he’s the religious one.”
“First, its Aaron, please don’t call me Black, second, I live by an honour code, not a religion.”
“Honour code?”
“Honour code. A set of rules I grew up with that I live by.”
“Seriously? Like what?”
I had to cut in, or Black would talk forever.
“Eye for an eye, don’t lose control, a lot of other rules… it’s really boring. Let’s move on, Black, what did you think of Luna yesterday?”
He looked annoyed at my interruption, but answered anyway.
“Extremely impressed. She surpassed my every expectation.”
“Really?” Luna looked surprised
“Yeah, I really underestimated you before. You know what? I think it won’t take you more than a few years to reach our level.”
Seriously?
“Seriously? What made you change your mind?”
“Simple Akira, the Valkyrie is a perfect mimic.”
Black turned to Luna, and talked directly to her.
“As Djinn you are a genius, I think. The Arachne silk you covered me with is incredibly strong, using that alone gives Arachne range AND the ability to lay traps, and the exoskeleton on your hands is a natural weapon.”
“Exoskeleton?”
“The black stuff. Your succubus has massive speed and strength. Perfect for a warrior, don’t you think? I didn’t get to see the dragon, but from what I’ve seen, you have all the makings of a perfectly balanced fighter. All you need is defence, and I'm hoping dragon scales can fit that role.”
“So?” I cut in.
“Think Akira, with one thought, she can go between a long range and short range fighter. A brute force powerhouse to a careful strategist, she is the perfect soldier.”
“Black, what’s gotten into you? I’ve never seen you so excited!”
“Nothing has gotten into me.”
Black chuckled, an evil chuckle if I ever heard one.
“I just think training her is going to be fun.”
“Akira, should I be worried now?”
“Very worried.”





im not showing you Muramasa just yet, ill give a glimpse, but dont expect too much, (mostly because he is wrapped up in story i dont want to spoil too much)





Well... by the way... i finished editing... and so much has been cut out and changed (editing cost me well over a month, and i'm just starting to write again...)

as of now, im 39000 words (so loads upon loads has been cut) but ill get back up into the fourty thousands soon.






oh yeah, since this is two pages, you might want to go back a page for all the other stuff i posted today.
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby Alikamou » Sat Jul 28, 2012 5:16 am

+::clap Well worth the wait +::Thumbup I really wanted to read about the arachne part :razz: but spiders???? +::fear +::biggrin

Goo to see Luna can wrap Aaron up +::lol
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Tue Aug 07, 2012 1:32 am

DISCLAIMER:
the following two chapters are short, and are a experiment on my part and i'm posting up to test whether or not i did a good job. since this is quite a ways into the book you may or may not under stand what is going on exactly, but rest assured that it makes sense in context to the story... any comments on the double chapter are appreciated but what i would really like to know is whether or not doing a double chapter like this is a good idea or not (i won't do it often, just when i feel like it.)

first chapter in sol's perspective, the second in luna's
by opening the below spoiler you agree to read the exerpt. those with no intention of reading the spoiler shouldn't open it in the first place

Spoiler: show
When the sun met the moon
Sol
I stalked through the streets of NewCa, I did. Leaping from rooftops to rooftops, the people below had no idea I was here. I searched the faces below, looking for my targets. My targets, a woman with an unknown name, but a sketch of her face; and some sorta girl-demon… they don’t give me any more than that and expect me to find them? It’s impossible, that’s what it is. But no matter, I’d look, but not-just-for-them, I’d look for Night too. My knight in shining dragon scales.

Leaping to another building, I landed too hard, tumbled off the building and landed on someone.
“OW.”
I scrambled off the human cushion, apologising.
“I’m so sorry, I am so so sorry. That was a rookie mistake.”

I bowed while doing it, hoping the person I squashed wasn’t too hurt.
“I’m all right, just surprised. What were you doing up there?”
The rather resilient girl was about eighteen or so, bout as old as I look. She had purple hair and red eyes, wearing all black clothing, and was smiling a polite closed-lipped smile.
“Just jumping, it’s fun, y’ should try it.”
I lied to her. I felt guilty, but jumping IS fun, so the lie is a truthful one.
“Really? Jumping looks painful… look, if you keep jumping off tall building you’ll get seriously hurt… you can’t keep landing on soft people.”
This girl was weird.
“No, from rooftop to rooftop, I just lost balance I did.”
“Oh, that’s all right then… What’s your name?”
Yep, definitely weird.
“Sol.”
“Sol? What a coincidence… I’m Lunamaria… Sol is the sun, Luna is the moon.”
Lunamaria laughed. Her laugh was sort of infectious, so I laughed too, even if I didn’t get the joke.
“Those are nice tattoos.”
Lunamaria blurted it out… I think she felt awkward from before.
“They aren’t tattoos.”
The black lines that ran all over my body were a constant reminder of the past… I felt the bottle of blood under my shirt.
“All right, Lunamaria…”
“Luna.”
“Ok, Luna… I’d best be going… I’ll see y’ round.”
“Bye.”
Luna and I parted ways… and I climbed back onto the rooftop, took a swig, and continued looking, I did. Damn it, where was I supposed to look for these people? Especially the demon… Bone said she was too blood-splattered to get a description… hell, I could land on ‘er and not know it, I could. That girl I just met could be the demon and I wouldn’t know it… I laughed at my joke and moved on.





When the moon met the sun
Lunamaria
It’s been a few weeks since I saw Crystal, and I think I’m finally coming out of the little downward spiral I had for a while. I did a few request these past few weeks and the clear air has done me good…
It was a beautiful day today in Lowtown, the sun was shining, crime was low, and I just cleaned up a little nest of muggers. About half way home, someone landed on me.
“OW.”
It came as a shock, I was walking one second, then a tattooed girl was climbing off of me, bowing.
“I’m so sorry, I am so so sorry. That was a rookie mistake.”
She looked abut twenty something, though looks could be deceiving, and her arms and legs were covered in tattoos.
“I’m all right, just surprised. What were you doing up there?”
Why would someone be on the rooftops?
“Just jumping, it’s fun, y’ should try it.”
Jumping? She meant to jump on me?
“Really? Jumping looks painful… look, if you keep jumping off tall building you’ll get seriously hurt… you can’t keep landing on soft people.”
Wait… maybe I had that wrong.
“No, from rooftop to rooftop, I just lost balance I did.”
Damn, now I feel awkward.
“Oh, that’s all right then… What’s your name?”
She looked at me like I was weird… quick, gotta break the ice.
“Sol.”
“Sol? What a coincidence… I’m Lunamaria… Sol is the sun, Luna is the moon.”
Bloody hell, what the hell am I saying? Change the subject quick!
“Those are nice tattoos.”
“They aren’t tattoos.”
She looked strange… damn… I can’t say anything right.
“All right, Lunamaria…”
“Luna.”
“Ok, Luna… I’d best be going… I’ll see y’ round.”
“Bye.”
I watched her climb back onto the roof. I messed that one up. Can’t blame me, I’ve barely talked to anyone except Akira and Black in the last six months.

Wait… what did I just think? Nobody? I talked to Drake and Crystal, and got into a fight. Spider doesn’t like me, and the clients were all for business… out of them Muramasa was the only one that actually talked to me.
Iv’e had little to no social life for six months, and it’s made me weird, damn it… I need to get out more.
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Sat Aug 18, 2012 8:34 pm

firstly, i'd like to say
****, ****ing ****, god ****ing damn it.
+::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr +::grrr




thats right, i'm angry, know why? because i know how to make the book better... and it involves a complete rewrite, a complete 'from scratch' rewrite... i'm scrappin the entire book and starting again, this time focusing on luna's perspective completely, i'll also be changing up a few characters, extending the intro, and changing luna's five forms so they flow better.



what this means? first, it should be a better book by the time i'm done, second, it will be a LONG time till i post here again. still, if you have questions, i'll still answer them.
please read and comment on my book
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby Alikamou » Tue Aug 21, 2012 7:55 am

+::grrr Don't you throw out the *talk* you hear? I heard, I heard...and liked, yes I did +::biggrin
Good luck and get that outline done and *go for it*! +::biggrin
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Tue Aug 21, 2012 8:10 am

i havent thrown it out, i haven't. I'm even introducing Sol earlier this time round, I am.... but i won't be thinking in her perspective, I won't. (so it's only half as much Sol, it is.)
please read and comment on my book
viewtopic.php?f=27&t=7483
i really have too much time on my hands - pics of laxius force playable characters
viewtopic.php?f=132&t=7230
the book of legends character pics/list/locations
viewtopic.php?f=204&t=7504
best advertisement ever
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby Alikamou » Wed Aug 22, 2012 5:19 am

+::biggrin Enjoy it, I do. What can I say, wish I knew. But sure waiting to see what you come up with, I am.

+::biggrin Almost sounds like the the dogfood :razz:
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:29 am

I'M BACK... after heavy retooling i'm starting to work on my book again. but before i show a sneak peek of the new content, i have a confession to make.

until a few weeks ago, i've never put NewCa into a search engine. you know what came up? Newcastle. bloody newcastle... Newca already exists. it also stands for the North East Wisconsin Chinese Association... after a lot of thought i've decided to change the name of the city, and the book... it was fine when it was original... but it isn't original anymore.


at the moment, the new book is named after the Greek prison Tartarus. it may change in the future,



but for now, here's the first two chapters of Tartarus...

Spoiler: show
In the closet



Bang!
The police busted another door down, they were searching for me.
Bang!!
I huddled in the closet of an abandoned house. And all I could think was ‘oh god, oh god, don’t let them find me.’
Bang!!
That one was closer, they were right next to me… they were loud and I could hear them through the wall… in the backyard of the house next door.
“She’s not here.”
“Try the next house. Don’t give that witch time to curse us.”
Fuck, if I could do that, then I wouldn’t be hiding. Luckily for me, these men didn’t seem to know what magic could actually do… I had no freaking clue either, but they didn’t know that.
BANG!!!
The police smashed the door down. Ok, here’s the plan, I charge out, and I bluff my way out. I have a lighter, maybe I could use that. A police officer walked into the room I was hiding in. All right, here I go. He wandered the room, methodologically searching it. He opened the closet and I saw his gun. I froze, my plan abandoned, and I stared at his gun… he looked down at me, and something crossed his face…
“How old are you?”
What was he expecting? I don’t know, but he saw the fear on my face.
“Seventeen.”
He looked conflicted, he hesitated.
“Leave before they find you.”
He shut the closet door and yelled “CLEAR!” to his mates; they left and continued searching… I thanked god I was found by a nice guy.
I felt exhausted, the danger gone for now, I lost the adrenaline rush that had kept me going, and I fell asleep.



In the house



I woke up with a start, and banged my head on the closet door. Oww.
“Where am I?”
My head hurts, do I have a hangover? No, I banged my head into a closet door. Sheesh, why am I sleeping in a closet? Suddenly, it all came back to me; I was on the run for being a witch… oh yeah… fuck. I ventured out of the closer and looked around. It was dark when I broke in but now I could see the room properly, this is a little girls’ room… this WAS a little girls room… cobwebs covered every part of the room. I touched a cobweb; it was pure black, so it was made by an Arachne. Maybe there’s still one around? I felt a rush of fear at meeting a demon, but I could feel a smile on my face. I’d love to see a demon, I’d hate to get killed by one, but I’d love to see a demon.
I pulled some Arachne web down; I just had to add this to my collection… if I ever see it again… stop that! Think happy thoughts! There’s no place like home. On complete impulse I clicked my heels together a few times… nothing happened. Never trust movies. I stuffed as much webbing into my pockets as I could and walked the house. Webbing covered most of the walls, Arachnes made a nest here. But then again, I suppose every house on the street would be like this. This whole suburb was abandoned in the Arachne war fifty years ago. Only now are the houses being cleaned of webbing, since it takes fifty years for the stuff to lose its stickiness.

Out on the streets I kept my head low and made my way into town. I made it about two meters away from the house before I heard sirens. Fuck. A squad car appeared at the end of the street. Double fuck. I ran through a house into the back yard and prepared to jump the fence… it’s all six feet high. Fuck, fuckity fuck.
A gate! Salvation! I heard the officers calling for back up, man they were surprisingly loud. I pulled the gate, it didn’t move, and I saw the padlock on it. Bloody hell I cannot catch a break.
I heard the police storm the house, one thing left to do. I put my hand on the fence.
“Move.”
I whispered, begging my magic to move the fence… it’s happened before.
“Move.”
“Move.”
“MOVE!” I screamed the last one, and the fence went flying back, I went in the other direction and landed on someone. I was manhandled to the ground.
“Gotcha, witch.”
They led me, handcuffed, to a squad car. Even if my magic was reliable, the handcuffs were made to block magic, so I had to wait… while near every cop bad-mouthed me about being a witch. No nice guys here.
please read and comment on my book
viewtopic.php?f=27&t=7483
i really have too much time on my hands - pics of laxius force playable characters
viewtopic.php?f=132&t=7230
the book of legends character pics/list/locations
viewtopic.php?f=204&t=7504
best advertisement ever
http://www.youtube.com/tippexperience
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