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Tartarus - (formerly NewCa)

Tartarus - (formerly NewCa)

Postby kronos44 » Wed Feb 01, 2012 11:29 am

hello, im a writer, an author... well... not really, see, unfortunately, i havent actually been published yet, +::cry or finished a book +::cry but im trying... anyway, i need feedback for the book, so ill post a few parts of the book


everything below this line was edited on the 25th of july, 2012


first a little info, its about a sanctuary for the supernatural called NewCa, it centeres around Lunamaria (luna for short), who arrives in newca about 6 months before being attacked by a demon, and is turned into one.
the story is told through her perspective, as well as five others. (a lot i know, but usually Luna or Akira)
Akira, the 'wild card' is insane (not really, but i cant really describe her, eccentric just does not cover it) she has the most tragic backstory EVER. she loves four, and says and thinks random things just for the hell of it.

Aaron (Black), man of mystery, was evil in the past, is consumed with revenge, close to Akira, cool calm and collected out of battle, first to think things through, but underneath the act he is a highly aggresive and impulsive person, even a little sadistic, and is always looking for a challenge while fighting. he is also a demon slayer extrordinare.

Drake, genius enchanter, hates Akira, Loathes her, like akira, he is hard to describe (which makes sense considering their true background) he is antisocial and gets distracted and caught up in his thoughts a lot... has a deep friendship with Crystal (a major character who i don't write a perspective for because theres too many already) his conflict with Akira is a big plot point which drives a wedge between himself and Luna.

Muramasa is a narccisist... i greatly enjoyed writing his character... and i love his magic (which i'll keep a secret for now, and leave you guessing) he is absolutely confident in his own abilities, self-proclaimed 'Best Blacksmith Ever.' which may be the truth... one of the few people in the world who knows how to shape dragon bone. he befriends Luna rather quickly and quickly becomes a person Luna trusts deeply (through a certain shared experience i won't share here)

Sol is a bad guy... girl... i wont say too much about her because i want her to be a mystery till the end, but i will say this... her language is a permenent rebellion from her upbringing... her tattoos arent really tattoos... and she may not be addicted... but she is completely dependent on demon blood.

excerpts start in next post, and id love to know what you think
Last edited by kronos44 on Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:31 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Wed Feb 01, 2012 11:32 am

here is first finished and full fight scene (aside from demon attack), told in Akiras perspective

it hasnt changed too much since i first wrote it, but it has been revised.

Spoiler: show
A set of eight
The thing about these portals is that even though they may need to be on the ground to prevent demon blood from dripping off. Inside however, the portal is always set into a wall, meaning, the only way to go through one without losing time falling, or getting back up, is jumping in head first, and landing in a roll. Unfortunately this meant rolling head-first into a trap. As usual, it was a golem, like nearly all golems Yggdrasil uses; it was a large stone statue, twice the size of the largest bodybuilder. They were easy to make, very strong, and for your average mage, tough to even scratch. But I wasn’t your average mage… or a mage at all for that matter. The golems were slow, and the only weapon it actually has is its own body. The golem tried to punch me before I could defend myself, but number seven came in to rescue me, slicing the golem into pieces before my feet came through the portal.
Coming out of the roll, I surveyed the room. About nineteen golems left, damn, if I didn’t destroy that last one it would have been twenty when I counted. No time to think now though, as about three golems rushed me, putting my hands behind my back, I swept their legs with five, before crushing them with two, three, and six. Another golem tried to come up behind me, but eight destroyed it. Fifteen left, seven and eight kept messing up perfect fours.
The golems tried to surround me, five of them making a circle, and coming towards me, so I sent out three, four, five and six, destroying four of them, the fifth being taken care of by seven.
“ENOUGH!”
I was a bit surprised by the voice; the other Root I fought waited until after I fought through all his defences before showing himself.
“The golems will step aside, and I’m in the third room on the left.”
This had trap written all over it, but it gave an excuse to leave the room, so black could come in after me.

Surprisingly, the Root was indeed in the room, without golem guards, cocky little thing. He was little, he was a fairy, six inches big with wings. Whatever god that created these things must have felt bad for them, because every fairy that was born had a lot of magic in them. They gave new meaning to the phrase ‘big things come in small packages.’ “I have to ask why this room isn’t packed with golems?” surprisingly, he gave me a serious answer
“Because you’re better than them, I’d rather not waste golems, when I could kill you now.” He was serious too, I stayed at the door, and I saw the incense burning inside the door. Fairies were renowned for their poisons and incenses; I snaked three around the door, smashing the pot.
“Nice move.”
“Thanks.”
I stepped into the room.
“Nice mask too.”
“Thanks, I prepared.”
“But I Win.”
“No, I do.”
I edged closer; I surveyed the room, no traps I could see.
“No, I Think I Win”
I smelled incense… what the? Wait; don’t tell me, he turned the air already inside my mask into his incense, smart bastard. I should have seen this coming. It was already too late, I was paralysed, little bastard tricked me; I fell to the floor, unable to control my body.
“You fell for it, I have to admit, I usually fight demons, so I wasn’t one hundred percent sure I could get around a gas mask, but I did. As you probably guessed, that’s paralysing incense, very useful for subduing demons, also great for subduing anyone else.
“Don’t worry though, you’re not actually paralysed. It’s just that the incense is dampening all those signals your brain sends and receives so you have no control at all.”
He was seriously pissing me off, but all I had to do is wait for the incense to wear off, that could be a while though.
“Don’t be sad, this will be painless, I may take a while doing it.”
He picked up a Knife as big as he was, and started flying towards me.
“But the incense will cancel out all your pai…” he didn’t get any further, when he got close to me, eight smashed into him, knocking him to the far side of the room, in two pieces to boot.
With the nameless fairy out of the way, the golems would wander around without any more orders; I was safe from them because the fairy told them to stay away, so all I have to do is wait for Black. With nothing else to do, I thought about my eight, they were eight invisible arms I was born with, I am an MM, a magical mutant, for some reason, a few hundred people a year are born with a mutation, a totally random thing, anything from a swelled head, to fur, even photographic memory, I had two, one of them was eight invisible arms. My blessing and my curse, one and two were just below my real arms, three and four below that, and so on, so my entire side, from a bit above my ass to my shoulders, were arms, meaning every shirt I own is a rather small tank top. The arms were all unbreakable, and completely invisible. I mean, light passed through it, you can see through glass, but the light is always slowed a bit, or reflected a bit, or something, but my set of eight? No, light had absolutely no effect on it at all, no reflection, absorption, refraction, anything, so it’s just invisible. They were also quite unbreakable, believe me I've tried. The length is varied, three and four being the longest, about nine feet. Five and six peaked at eight, one and two at five feet and seven and eight were seven feet. Numbers three to six were normal as far as invisible, unbreakable arms go, but the other four were not. For example, I had no control over seven and eight at all, they hacked and slashed at anything they saw as a threat, practically a perfect defence, I was lost in my thoughts for a while, I was really getting tired of seven and eight.









id like to know what you think of her arms, and things like that, ive referenced her arms before, but ive never explained it, (everything else has been explained already)
Last edited by kronos44 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:43 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Wed Feb 01, 2012 11:37 am

this explains luna and her demon hood (a little after the fight scene,)

it has changed a WHOLE lot since i posted here... paticularly the fact that i scrapped Nereid... going with a more 'spidery' approach


Luna's perspective
Spoiler: show
A lesson in demonhood
It has been almost two months since I came back to the dorms, and was about to eat when Drake appeared out of nowhere and grabbed me, took me up to his room, I ignored the jokes from everyone else and followed, it felt like Drake had discovered something important.
Reaching his room, he blurted out. “I’ve made a breakthrough.”
“Breakthrough? What type of breakthrough?”
“The type that tells me what type of demon you are.”
“What type of demon? The doctors said I’m a brand new type?”
“Yes and no, you’re a new type, that’s made up of old types of demons.” Drake started to pace around the room, he paced when he was excited. “I mean, wow, I don’t know how or why it happened, but the demon blood you received must have been modified, no way just hell hound blood could have done this, but why you? Why a random civilian? Why anyone at all for that matter? This could have been unintentional of course, but if so, was it the blood that let Luna survive? Or was it something about her?” Like all his lectures, he rants about something and eventually forgets I’m even here. I tapped him on the head, and he looked at me.
“Sorry, sorry, I’ll get to the point.”
“That’s good, so, what kind of demon am I?”
“That’s complicated, sit down, this will take a while.” I sat, and Drake started talking, I prepared to be bored and to zone out, but surprisingly, this was actually interesting.
“All right, first, I’ll highlight what I learned from other sources, books about demons and people who study them. Not much is known about them, but what we can do is classify them, classifications based on DNA, appearance, and powers.
“Demons are split into three levels, low, mid, and high. Low-level demons, like the hell hound you saw, are basically beasts, some can teleport and all but a few regenerate, but that’s it. Mid-levels are basically the same, but are larger, and take a lot more to kill. High-level demons are different, in fact, are pretty much a species all on their own. Now, high-levels are further classified into types of demons, most named demons fall under this category, practically everything but hell hounds. High-levels are Cyclops’s, Pegasus’, vampires, you name it. All of them operate on instinct and evolution. I’ll go into examples later, don’t worry. But for now, let’s focus on you.
“In demonic DNA, you can separate the different types of demons, just like animals. Vampires look different to nymphs, understand? Your DNA has multiple types, and that’s what threw the doctors off, but I wasn’t fooled for long.” He looked at me with that smug smile, like I was supposed to understand what he meant.
“What do you mean multiple types?”
“You are at least five different demons.” I stared at him blankly.
“I’ll explain, I said I found multiple types of demon DNA, these aren’t traces of different DNA, but actually different sets of DNA mixed in with everything else. But one set is more prominent than the others, that’s what you are now, but in all the blood tests, the other sets of DNA have become stronger and weaker, so it’s my guess that your DNA is constantly changing, and when another type emerges as the dominant set, you will change too, it hasn’t happened yet, but I’d still keep an eye out, maybe even find a way to do it on your own, to get as strong as possible.
“I don’t know how many you have, but I have identified five of them, meaning I pretty much know what type of demon they are. You may have more, but the other ones are too weak for me to read. The first gene I identified is the most dominant gene at the moment, and your current form. It’s a Valkyrie.”
“Valkyrie? Isn’t that a band?”
“I don’t know, but the Valkyrie I’m talking about is Norse, they were said to be the warrior maidens that collected the dead and took them to the afterlife, in reality, they looked human, but like all demons, had no higher reasoning skills, they saw warriors in battle, and imitated them, even using weapons, but after battles, they were like carrion birds, eating the dead.” I could feel myself going green at the thought, I’m a carrion bird?
“As a Valkyrie, you should learn quickly, you’ve already experienced it first hand with cooking, think of it as instant mimicry. I don’t know if you can do anything else, the Valkyrie stories I’ve found are mostly about them taking the dead away, so I can’t really help you much with anything else.
“You see, Valkyries are extinct now, and have been for over a thousand years. It’s a miracle we have DNA for it, we found one preserved in ice a while back.”
“What does that mean for me?”
“It was riding a Pegasus… actually riding one, with a sword high in the air, I think it was flash frozen in the middle of a fight.”
“Again, what does that mean for me?”
“I don’t know, I really don’t, anything I say would be pure guesswork. But if you want my best opinion, Pegasus’s are vicious things that don’t even let other demons near, if a Valkyrie was riding one there might be a connection between the species.”
“Ok, so what’s a Pegasus? Is it cool?”
“It’s a winged horse.”
My mind instantly pictured me flying on a winged horse, maybe being a Valkyrie was a good thing after all.
“So… what else, you said there was more demons in me?”
“Yeah, second I found is Djinn, you’d call it a genie, almost nothing is known apart from myths, myths are they are born from sand and fire, myths are they can be bound to objects, myths are that they grant wishes, I doubt the last one, but still, if you find yourself a Djinn, stay away from lamps, just in case the second is true.”
“No lamps… got it.”
Demonhood was looking better by the second, these are all seriously cool.
“What about the next demon? Is it as awesome as flying a winged horse? Or being a genie?”
My excitement showed, and Drake smiled, then stopped.
“No… about the next type, you probably won’t like it.”
“Is it bad?”
“Very much so… I hate spiders.”
“Spiders?”
“Arachne.” Drake looked down.
I blinked in surprise.
“Arachne? Are you absolutely certain?”
Arachne was a spider demon, the Arachne are highly poisonous demon’s that came close to infesting the world thirty years ago… first time every last country in the world stood together… and it was still a narrow victory.
“Yeah, I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault… I guess it isn’t too bad, Arachne silk is worth a fortune.”
That’s right, look on the bright side. Maybe if I ever turn into one, I can sell my silk and make a fortune…
“Luna, you’re not just an Arachne, you’re an Arachne queen.”
Queen of spiders, not too bad I guess.
“At least I’m queen, let’s move on.”
“You don’t get it, a normal Arachne, I doubt too many people would care about it more than your other forms, but add the right male and a queen can lay millions of eggs in a week. If people find out, they might get scared that you’d restart the wars.”
“But I wouldn’t”
Especially the male thing… ew.
“Doesn’t matter; keep the queen thing a secret no matter what happens. In fact, since a lot of people died in the Arachne wars, it might be best to keep the whole Arachne thing a secret altogether.”
I sighed; I was doing a lot of that lately.
“Fine, what’s next.”
“All right, fourth I found… you know what, I’ll say the other one first.”
“What about the fourth?”
“You will appreciate me saying it last.” Drake blushed, I wondered what it was. “Ok, fifth is a Dragon, these were creatures so strong, they couldn’t even be cut with a normal blade. They are extinct now, but some of their scales are still floating around, and are worth a fortune, purely because they’re so strong. Dragons can also breathe a particular element, fire dragons breath fire, frost breathe ice, which is awesome. If you find yourself a Dragon, come to me, I’d love to see one up close.”
Drake smiled as he talked about dragons.
“Word of warning though, as I said before, Dragon scales are very valuable. If you do turn into one, don’t show it off, you might attract dragon hunters.”
“I thought you said Dragons are extinct, why are there Dragon hunters?”
“People live long lives’ here, and Dragon’s only became extinct around six hundred years ago, there are still a few around who keep their old weapons in storage, waiting for another dragon.”
“Right, so far I got tame a Pegasus, don’t touch lamps, make spider webs but keep them a secret, and don’t show off my shiny scales. What’s next?”
Drake smirked again, but his smile faltered when he talked about the next type.
“The fourth type I identified, is… um… it’s a demon that lived in a cave, it developed a rather… unique way of hunting… it put out pheromones that attracted men, and when they came, sucked the life force out of them. We have seen their victims, but not them actually killing anyone, mostly because they catch and kill witnesses too.”
“Wait. Pheromones and sucking life… Drake… Am I a Succubus?” he looked down, and nodded.
“But I doubt a Succubus actually sleeps with men, it seems redundant, no, I doubt more than a touch is necessary… but you never know.”
“Drake, relax, I won’t turn into one, if I do, I’ll find a way to change back. OK?”
“Ok.”
So I had Valkyrie, Djinn, Arachne, Succubus and Dragon. It was quite a diverse selection, too diverse.
“Drake, how did so many different demons end up in me?”
“I don’t know… if you’d asked me before I saw your blood, I would have said it was impossible… whatever is going on here, it’s new, and I am completely in the dark here.
“I will say this though, I doubt it was an accident, I don’t know the cause, but it isn’t normal. Whether you were the intended target or not does not matter, it was no accident that that demon was in the café, and I doubt you turning demon was coincidental.”
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t know, I hate not knowing, but it’s the truth. Sorry.”
Last edited by kronos44 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:31 pm

it would be really helpful if someone told me what they thought, even a "books great" or a "book sucks" would help me immensely
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby Gin » Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:55 pm

kronos44 wrote:it would be really helpful if someone told me what they thought, even a "books great" or a "book sucks" would help me immensely


I think you should finish the book, send it to a publisher and wait for feedback. They will always tell you what they think about it.^^
Us reading parts of it may not help you as you think it may, because parts of it, is never it!^^A book has to be full. The reader has to actually have it all and decide if they continue reading or not(if the subject is of any interest, if the writer is catching their attention...those things).
About what i read i think it is good! +:oops:
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:24 pm

yeah, i know, im not looking for a 'oh my god this is the greatest thing ever written' type of thing, (though it would be nice), im looking for a bit of an opinion, whether what ive posted up is interesting, if you want to read more, or the opposite, like you said, i have to finish the book before i can get any 'true' feed back, but i still would like a little bit of feedback so i know, in these small localised scenes, if there is anything to improve or not
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby Gin » Wed Feb 15, 2012 6:31 pm

:) I liked a lot what i read on those parts. It is interesting and I would absolutely like to read more about it.^^ I didnt saw any big mistakes, just small stuff, but that is easily corrected.
Like:
"...Surprisingly, the Root was indeed in the room, without golem guards, cocky little thing, he was little, he was actually a fairy, six inches big with wings, whatever god that created these things must have felt bad for them, because every fairy that was born had a lot of magic in them, they gave new meaning to the phrase ‘big things come in small passages.’ “I have to ask why this room isn’t packed with golems?” surprisingly, he gave me a serious answer..."

I loved the golem fighting scene, and the one about the demon discoveries is very interesting. I would definitly get this book if i saw it in a bookstore. ^^Also loved the "Akira" name for the char.Now its just a question of you finishing it! +:oops:
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:12 pm

NEW EXERPT
im getting a lot of time to work on the book lately (who would have thought finishing my gap year and going to uni would 'increase' time spent on the book) and if i keep this productivity... ill finish this book before the year is out. maybe even before my birthday (that would be good)

edit: well ill throw out the before the year is out thing, but im still making progress



in any case, to celebrate, im posting two mack to back stories
first, a little peak into the mind of a bad guy (girl) called sol


edit: about sol. ive toned her down, given her tattoos-that-arent-really-tattoos and a bit of a demon blood problem... but i have a plan for her, (in fact, i toned her down because i gave her a bigger part in the things to come)


Spoiler: show
A meeting for Yggdrasil
Sol
I couldn’t stop laughing, I literally couldn’t. Bone got himself beaten, he did. If I hadn’t seen it, I wouldn’t have believed it.
“Wouldst thou be quiet? She was strong.”
“Oh I would if I couldst Bone, but this is too funny.” he moved like he was going to touch me. So I moved outta his way, I did. Bringing up my hand to counter-attack, I did.
“STOP IT, the both of you!”
Our leader Ashmedai, ash for short, stopped us from fighting.
“You two are teammates; I know you don’t like each other, but fight and you fall apart!”
“I don’t want no medieval knight for my partner, no sir I do not.”
“Can’t thou give me someone which speaks properly?”
“Properly? Who would want ta speak like they stepped outta the bloody dark ages?”
“can’t thou just stop repeating thyself, and use proper words.”
“Ya making fun a me, are ya?”
Bone looked like he would blow a gasket… maybe that last one was too much, maybe.
“For the last time, work together. Not one more word on the matter. We have more important matters to discuss.”
Is there a bit of hope?
“Ya found Night?”
My bestest-friend-ever has been missing for a few years. He was the night ta my day, the moon ta my sun, and all that crap. He and Ash were the sole reason I was still alive, not a day passed where I didn’t miss him.
“No, Night is still missing.”
Damn it. I missed him, I really did.
“The reason I have brought you here, we have finally found the face of one of the people destroying our branches.”
Oh them, they were quite a nuisance, they were. They went around destroying our branches… even some main ones.
“Let me guess, Bone caught the face that beat him up?” Bone made a slightly strangled snort. I was pissing him off.
“Yes, this is her.”
Ash held up a hand-drawn picture, she looked pretty small, and young, she did.
“Ya got beaten by a teen, did ya?” this was too rich, I burst out laughing again. Bone just stood there, getting redder by the second, with both anger and embarrassment. After all the talk of his invincibility, and of his superiority over me because I'm a girl, he got himself beat by a teenager.
“That’s enough Sol. Listen; Bone obviously isn’t strong enough, so I want you to take over the job as agent until he gets back.”
Perfect, I can look for Night personally.
“As for you Bone, I'm inviting you to my branch for some ‘private training,’ I will not stand my agent getting beaten so easily.”
“Yes boss.” Bone was scared now, serves him right. Ash disappeared into a portal; he never came out of his branch for long. Bone followed him with a worried look on his face… even I was worried at what sort of ‘training’ he would be getting… and I hate the guy.
All well, I took a swig from the bottle around my neck, feeling the familiar buzz of demon blood through my blood. I'm solo now, so I have a lot of time to look for Night, I want to go flying with him again…



i like sol, i do. but again, i really want to know if her way of speaking annoys anyone, i really do. i've toned down the restating, i did. and i gave her shorthand on quite a few words...
Last edited by kronos44 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:59 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:16 pm

and the second, this is just after the previous scene, and a little bit after Akira saves the day... told in lunas perspective


Luna is really placid when it comes to Akira, isnt she?


Spoiler: show
A curious case of the eight arms
Lunamaria
Uh… what happened last night? I woke up, something covering my head and I was completely covered in something strange. Let’s see, I woke up, talked to Drake, Crystal, CRYSTAL, it all came rushing back, the kidnapping, Crow, me as a Succubus. Oh god, the Succubus, I felt a little sick at all I did like that.
All of the killing, as well as all the kissing I did. I tried to get up, but that strange stuff was stopping me. I was wrapped up in some sort of rope, I thrashed and I fell out of a bed. The blanket gone from my head I looked down to see… nothing… I wasn’t tied but I couldn’t move. I twisted and rolled and eventually got an arm free. Then I was able to slowly disentangle myself from what I found to be long and rather thick invisible arms, complete with hands at the end. Luckily only four of the things were wrapped around me, but they were long so it took a little while.
Fully untangled I stood up, still struggling with the whole succubus incident, but the more I thought about it, the less it bothered me. It was weird that I could write off something like that, but even that feeling grew less weird over a few seconds. I saw that my hair was purple again, and crow’s words came back to me. He said as a Valkyrie I will find it easy to accept things, I guess that’s coming in handy. It was still rather annoying though.
Over my moral dilemma, I looked around the room, the last thing I remember was Akira coming in to rescue me, but I can’t remember if she did or not. But I doubt that psycho knight would have put me in a bed. Still, where did those arms come from if Akira is one of the good guys… curiosity overcame me, and I knelt down to get a better loo… feel for the strange arms.
I pulled on one to separate it from the rest, but it was connected to something on the bed. Following it up, I was shocked to find Akira in the bed. I jumped back in shock, what the hell happened? A few wild fantasies sprung to mind but I supressed them. Not before a blush crept up on me though.

Akira made a sound, and I realized she was sleeping; she slept through me making all that noise, me pulling at her… extra arms? What are they anyway? I went back down and found another ‘arm,’ following it back up, I found it ending a bit below her arm, there was another just above it, and two just below it… I found another four in the other side of her back; I guess that must be why she was lying on her stomach. But still, how come she is still sleeping? And why is she next to me in the first place? I prodded a visible arm, no reaction, she was a heavy sleeper.
“Akira? Wake up.” nothing.
“Akira!” maybe there was something wrong? She wasn’t moving, but then I saw her smile… she was faking.
“I can see your smile.”
Her eyes opened, and her smile turned into a big grin as she wrapped her arms around me… her real ones, thank god.
“So what? I was having fun.”
“What happened last night.”
“Nothing, you just slept, you slept the night before that, and the night before that, honestly I didn’t know if you were ever going to wake up.”
“Three nights? I was sleeping for three nights?”
Shit, how much have I missed?
“Yeah, I was hoping it would be four, but eh, three is better than five.”
“What happened while I was out? Why are you hugging me? And most importantly, why were you in bed with me?” she stopped hugging me, but kept one hand on my shoulder
“I can answer those, but can you ask a fourth question too?”
“Answer my first three first.”
“OK, first, absolutely nothing happened, the world is exactly the same… if you care about the blue girl we found where you were taken from, then she’s fine and making a full recovery.” Oh that’s good; a load just got taken off my chest.
“Your second question is complicated, but let me simplify it. Ever since I was born you are the first person who has been able to touch me without dying, and I want to get as much contact as I can to make up for seventeen years of zero contact.”
She was incredibly happy saying that, and again crows words came back to me, shake Akira’s hand and get her loyalty. Maybe this is what he meant.
“Your third question is complicated, but let me simplify it. Ever since I was bo…”
“You said that already.”
“The questions have the same answer, you have a fourth?”
“Where are we?”
“I’ll show you.”
Akira led me to the door, I realized the walls were stone; we were in a stone room, the bed was four-posters, this couldn’t be a castle, could it? She flung open the door, and it led to a stone corridor, with doors exactly like it in a hallway. No way, she led me to another room, this one had a balcony, I rushed out… I looked down and saw a moat and a drawbridge, I saw castle walls surrounding this building, and I looked up, and saw those stone pillar thingies sticking out of the top… this was a bloody castle!
“We are in a bloody castle?”
“No, we are in Black’s castle; a bloody castle would have more blood.”
Wait, Black? Wasn’t he a demon hunter? It would fit with having a castle I guess.
“Is this the Black you told me was dangerous?”
“Why yes it is, the very same person. You want to meet him?”
“Will he kill me?”
“Black? Nah, he’s a baby, a ridiculously strong baby who hunts demons for a living, but still a baby.”
“You’re not making me feel better; you said he would hurt me.”
“No, I said he thinks you would go crazy, which admittedly is a possibility.”
It is? She wasn’t making me feel any better.
“But I have extracted several promises about protecting you, and actually training you.” She led me out of the room.
“Listen Luna, Black will give you a choice soon, whether to stay here for a while, or go back to your dorm, I hope you pick here… but at least listen to the whole story before making your decision, I won’t force you to stay… but I really want you here. Promise me you will listen.”
“OK, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’ll listen at least.”
“Good, we are here.” Akira stopped outside of a large door, at least three times my height, the door opened seemingly automatically, but I knew about her arms and thought that might have something to do with it.

We stepped into a large dining hall; a man in black armour was at the head of a really long table. I recognised him, Aaron, the man who said he was protecting me in the hospital. But there was nobody else.
“Where’s Black?” Aaron got a little angry.
“Akira, what have you told her?” she looked innocent.
“I only told her the truth Black. You’re a demon hunter, you will protect her, train her, whatever.”
“You’re Black? I thought you were Aaron.”
“I am Aaron! Damn it Akira; you didn’t even tell her my real name? Stop calling me by that ridiculous name.”
“But it’s so funny.” actually, it was funny, though I didn’t know why, possibly because it annoys Aaron… oops I mean Black.
Last edited by kronos44 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Wed Mar 14, 2012 8:58 am

i finished the chapters, and ill upload them when i get the time





but first

100 PAGES, IM AT 100 A4 SIZED PAGES... GO LUNAMARIA, GO AKIRA, GO DRAKE AND GO BLACK

+::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance +::Dance





if anyone is interested, im up to about a quarter of the book and i hope ill be able to write the rest pretty soon. YAY



+::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap +::clap





thats right everyone, i have time for smilies, but not enough to copy paste a few chapters. HAHAHAHA

+::biggrin
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby Alikamou » Thu May 31, 2012 5:56 am

+::biggrin Well...hurry up!!!!! I'm enjoying this! +::clap +::biggrin And...really cracking me up with Sol's speaking, too, I am I am :razz:
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Sat Jun 16, 2012 12:07 pm

Alikamou wrote:+::biggrin Well...hurry up!!!!! I'm enjoying this! +::clap +::biggrin And...really cracking me up with Sol's speaking, too, I am I am :razz:


well i thank you for the comment, i do. i am in the middle of several simultaneous rewrites and edits, i am. i thank you for your comment, i do. i wasn't sure if i should keep Sol's speaking or not, no i was not. though it is slightly annoying talking like this, it is. especially wording the sentences so they make sense, that's right. when i finish editing, i'll post up the fully edited versions of these chapters, i will. maybe a little bit more, just a little. focusing on Luna and her demons, that's right her demons. and if i feel like it, the first meeting between Luna and Sol.



sneak preview... Luna does not have a Nereid form anymore... she has gained an Arachne form though. (Arachne is a spider demon i made up)

i've also fleshed out the descriptions Drake gave a little bit... as well as a lot of other things...
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Sat Jun 16, 2012 12:09 pm

though small side note, i reached 170 pages and over 44 thousand words before i decided to edit all this, so yay for me, and if Muramasa survives the rewrite, i look forward to posting him on this thread and seeing your reactions to the narcissistic swordsmith.


and so far, i've finished a rough edit of the first 64 pages (oh god, so many mistakes, oh so many mistakes)
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:08 am

right... let's get back to exerpts...



anyone reading this... i edited all the above exerpts to something current. and i'll kick things off with what i promised before (though not too much, just a few chapters.)


WAIT! before that, here is something a little different.
here's two chapters for the price of one
Luna's perspective. a chapter or two after the previous one


Spoiler: show
A walk with the eccentric
“Where are we anyway?” since leaving Black, Akira and I have left the castle far behind and have just been wandering the countryside. I couldn’t see NewCa anywhere, the whole countryside was new to me.
“We are in an alternate dimension where the dark ages never ended.”
“Whoa we can do that?”
“No, don’t be silly, this is an e-space… Black got this off a member of Yggdrasil.”
“Yggdrasil? The demon hunters after me?”
“Yeah, this is the fourth branch, course we cleaned it up, hung new curtains, dusted it top-to-bottom, and got rid of all the bodies in the basement.”
“Bodies?”
“Yeah, Yggdrasil makes a lot of enemies… they silence them… and there are a lot of demons that died here too.”
“Demons?” I'm not sure I like this castle anymore.
“Forget about demons, we got rid of the ones in the castle. Besides, you are one, in fact. And it’s entirely possible that even if there were demons you would be safe.” Huh? What did she mean by that?
“What do you mean by that?”
“Not now, ask me later, for now…”


A psycho’s psyche


“Let’s play twenty questions.” Akira stopped walking when she spoke this. And pulled a coin from her pocket, she reached in, and pulled a massive table from the inside.
“How did you do that?”
“This? This is a uni-space,” Akira put the table down, and put chairs next to it, we sat. “It’s a rare type of enchantment made from the heart of a black dragon… don’t worry though Luna, we have a lot of these. So even if your dragon form is black we won’t remove your heart.”
I didn’t worry till just then.
“Uni-space is short for universe space, and contains an entire universe in it… anything in here can be taken out with just a thought from me.”
“A universe?”
“Hey, you had your turn… it’s mine now.”
“Turn?”
“Hey! I said my turn… you asked me a question… I answered… now it’s my turn.” Oh, I get it now.
“Do you have any family?”
Fine I’ll play along.
“Yeah, mother, father, sister, brother.” Akira looked like I should elaborate further. “My younger sister is Rhiannon Moone, she’s a lot younger than me, only thirteen, she’s a computer whiz and she’s the only person who supported my magic. My older brother is Steven Moone, he’s a gun nut and joined the army when he turned 18, don’t know what he’s doing now. My mother is a lawyer, of all things, and defended me in my trial before I came here… though she denied my magic completely and insisted that I was normal.” I felt a few tears; I just didn’t know how to face them now, especially as a demon. “My father fixes computers, he pretends to be atheist, but I see him make that funny sign before meals… I think it’s called the sign of the cross. And he keeps a cross under his shirt at all times, and even disappears on Sundays. I followed him once and it led to a catholic church… I have no idea why he keeps it a secret.”
“Must be a big secret, sure he has his reasons… you’ve said enough, why don’t you ask me a question?” I was about to ask her why we were playing this game, but something told me that would be just wasting a question… what should I ask?
“What did you mean before, when you said I’d be safe from demon’s”
“I was going to teach you that later, so it doesn’t count as a question, but if you want an answer… too bad… you will have to wait. Ask another question.”
I almost asked how that was fair, but again, it would be wasting a question.
The only things I could think to ask her now were about her arms and her personality, but she told me about her arms already and asking about her personality would be rude… I got it!
“What was your childhood like?” Akira’s eyes immediately went dark, anger and sadness flashed through her face for a mere instant, before resettling into a smile.
“Oh, it was a rather boring one, had a loving mother and father, grew up in a peaceful small town… nothing interesting… My turn now.” that was a rather obvious lie… not just her facial expression before. She looks as old as me, maybe even a bit younger, no way could she have grown up normal and still act like she does. And what she said about her arms before does not fit in with a normal life. But if she didn’t want to talk about it… then I had to leave it alone.
“How did you first discover your magic? Not your demon magic, the human stuff before that.”
“I was having an argument with Rhea one day, Rhea is short for Rhiannon”
Akira nodded.
“We were in her room, she had done something, I can’t remember what, but it was a rather average argument… but one moment I was pointing at her computer for whatever reason, the next moment the computer exploded… it was pretty scary.”
“Sounds like it was… you’re turn.”
Akira had a small smile on her face, I couldn’t say for certain, but I’m pretty sure she was holding back a laugh. Time for my question, I should ask something more innocent this time.
“How did you meet Aaron?” innocent enough, I guess.
“Blackie? Well we met in the Sewers when I was fourteen, escaped, I got pardoned, we teamed up, and the rest is history.” Sewers? What were they doing there? Sewers were the bottom of NewCa, where the worst of the worst go… just thinking about it makes me shiver.
“I’d love to talk further Luna, but it’s getting late.” Holy crap it was… it was already dark, Akira put the table away and we hurried back to the castle.

Back at the castle, I asked Akira where I could sleep; she led me to the room I woke up in.
“Goodnight Akira.”
“Goodnight Luna.” I got into bed, and Akira slipped in next to me.
“Uh, what are you doing?”
“You will be training with Black tomorrow, and I know you don’t want me holding your hand there, but it’s been over seventeen years without proper human contact… let me have this at least. Please?”
“I don’t know…”
“We can leave our clothes on.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Please. If you have a problem I won’t ask again.”
I was about to say no, but then I thought about it, about how she acted around me, about what I knew about her… and mostly about the almost desperate look in her eyes as she asked me. It was probably the Valkyrie in me making the decisions, but what the hell.
“All right.”
She wrapped her arms around me, two real four invisible… and I was tied up again. It took a while, but somehow I dropped off to sleep. Wondering what tomorrow would be like.
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Re: NewCa - heavily unfinished exerpts

Postby kronos44 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:17 am

NEXT, THE LONG AWAITED, PROMISED CHAPTERS, (though only three, i'm keeping the rest to myself (dont worry, you're not missing anything, dragon doesnt show up yet and Arachne takes too long.)

Spoiler: show
A Valkyrie knight
Aaron

Akira was giddy this morning, since she and Luna arrived at the table more or less the same time, I'm pretty sure I know why. Luna was perkier than I expected being with Akira and her arms all night, I guess I underestimated Valkyries. After breakfast, throughout which Luna had a rather thoughtful expression on her face, I took her outside, for the first lesson.
“First, come at me.” she looked a little puzzled.
“I need to know how good you are already. Don’t worry; you won’t be able to hurt me.” I reached into the uni-space that was on my armour, and pulled my helmet out, with that, I was covered head to toe in black dragon scales.
“Now come Luna, go all out.”
She rushed me, it was half-hearted but it was a start, I sidestepped her and flipped her with my free hand. She tried again, this time seeing my side step and moving with me, fast leaner, but I was just plain faster and did the same move a second time.

Luna started getting more serious, throwing in punches, kicks, tackles, all from different fighting styles, curious.
“Stop, how do you know these moves?”
“I watch others in the dorm train; and they train a lot, I know how to throw a punch.”
Again, I underestimated her, though this was a little more serious. If Luna can memorize moves, not just memorize the movements, but perform them perfectly, then there is hope for her yet.
“How do you know what to move?”
“Huh?”
“What you are copying takes a ridiculous amount of repetition to get something called muscle memory, normal people can’t just move like they see someone else do; it takes practice.”
“I just can.” Valkyries were among the rarest of demons, in fact, all of Luna’s forms were. Even I had never seen a Valkyrie, but if she could do this, I wonder how many times she has to see something to copy it.
“All right then, we are going to play follow the leader.” I started punching the air; I threw in a few high kicks. Luna then copied my movements perfectly.
“Wow, I didn’t know I could move like that.” I had another idea.
“Luna, lift your leg as high as you can.” She did. I lifted my own leg, higher than she could.
“Now do it again.” She did, lifting her leg as far as mine went, absolutely remarkable; I had never seen anything like this. Luna’s body itself was changing to suit her needs. We spent the next few hours playing follow the leader until Luna was as flexible as I was, she was never as fast as me, but it was still absolutely amazing.


A brutish succubus


“Luna, Akira told me that you turned into a Succubus in Q’s labyrinth.”
“Was that that guy’s name? Yeah, I did.”
“Show me.”
“All right, but I don’t know what will happen, I think differently when I'm a different demon.”
“It’s OK, just show me.”
She transformed, it was rather seamless but I bet it hurt like hell.
“Holy hell that hurt.”
“You’ll get used to it, maybe.”
Hold on, something was off… Succubi were supposed to have wings and a tail… hmm, all well. I’ll work it out later.
“Fight Me.” she did, covered in pink smoke she easily matched me in speed. And had all the moves she learned as a Valkyrie, her strength was incredible too, I threw in a few moves I haven’t used yet, and she fell for them every time… seems she had lost that perception the Valkyrie had.
Her lack of a stomach made her more flexible, but pretty soon, the smoke around her vanished, and she looked tired.
“Out of steam?” she could only nod.
“Turn into a Djinn, can you do that?” she nodded, and slowly dissolved into sand.


A recharging Djinn


“Luna, you still here” she slowly materialized, just a formless pillar of sand. “here.” I took out a lighter and lit it. “Take this.”
The sand was still.
“Djinni are sand and fire, take the fire.” She looked at the flame then her sand engulfed the fire, and it went out.
“Not enough, eat this.” I took out some explosives, high energy, highly unstable. She took the explosive, and I let go as it disappeared inside Luna. She puffed outwards when the explosive went off, but other than that she seemed fine…
“Now come at me.”
She tried to hit me, but her sand bounced off harmlessly when it tried to connect with my armour.
“You’re sand, you break apart, feel out you’re natural instincts. Let them guide you.”
I hoped that was good advice as she stood there for a few seconds, I think she was feeling out her new body. Suddenly the sand started shifting, moving. Into a more human shape, it was suddenly a sand statue of Luna staring at me. Colour came to the statue, and it started moving.
“Holy Crap this is awesome, this is so awesome, I can’t believe this, wow, wow, I feel like I’m going a mile a minute.”
Wow, she looked the same as a human, without the teeth the Valkyrie gave her, or the stomach the Succubus gave her, Djinn-Luna could easily pass for human. While the Valkyrie had purple hair, and the Succubus had pink, the Djinn had orange hair. She couldn’t really stay still, but instead bounced around, always moving some part of her body.
“I’m ready.”
“Hold on, you were sand a minute ago.”
“A minute, thought it was longer, hey Black you’ve been speaking slower since I came Djinn, why is that? Why?”
“Maybe it seems that way because you’re moving faster.”
“Maybe, I’m slower as Succubus, maybe Djinn is faster, but hey, this is awesome, no wait I haven’t answered your question, I figured out how to move the sand and get it to change colour, I feel great.”
This was very interesting; I’d have to explore this further later.
“Come at me.”
“Glad to.” She rushed at me, but instead of punching she held her hand out… her hand disappeared and her arm became a blade, and it was as hard as a blade should be… not enough to break through my armour though.
“Impressive.”
“Not finished, if that didn’t work, I’ll do something different.”
She flung her hand out, and it dissolved into sand. It whirled around my face and I felt sand work its way through my armours eye holes.
“Force.”
I pushed my magic into my armour and pushed the sand out.
“Smart, going right through my armour to attack me directly, but could I ask you not do that again? I don’t regenerate.”
“OK, you want to see me as something else? You’re too slow like this.”
“Yeah, let’s see the Arachne.”
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